Angelina Jolie: The original Salt Bae

Welcome back film fans and connoisseurs of crap, to the Pound Shop Flix blog. This week, as I’m sure anyone who read the sneak peek and can remember 2010 guessed, we’re taking a look at Salt, a film starring Angelina Jolie as superspy Evelyn Salt. Now, as mentioned in the sneak peek this week, I have a memory of Salt being reviewed pretty poorly by Empire Magazine back when I subscribed to it as a young wannabe film buff. In truth however my research for this week has painted a somewhat different picture: the review on Empire’ website gives it 3-stars.

Now 3 stars does not equate to an excellent film. But it’s not quite the kind of stinker, or even misfire that this blog is based around. This apparent disparity between my memory and the truth leads me to conclude that one of two things must have happened: either I misremembered the content of the review, possibly even mixing it up with The Tourist; or at the age of 17, I was an even more pretentious than I am now, and considered a 3-star film to be a failure. Regrettably, either is possible.

All of this of course is mere context reader, an insight into why I picked up Salt expecting good (bad) things. It is time now to discuss what I actually got. Major spoilers ahead!

Angelina Jolie is. It says at the top. Duh.

Let me begin by saying that I like spy films. I don’t really know why. Ideologically, the idea of rooting for government sanctioned killers wrestling with the opposing government sanctioned killers of ‘enemy’ nations to promote Western interest is increasingly nauseating as we move through the 21st century. I think it was the bold, ridiculous camp of Kingsmen– and in turn the camp of Roger Moore era spies which is pastiches- which first interested me. It was this, reruns of The Saint, and the mostly pretty good Daniel Craig Bond films which I think brought me around to genre. Salt is less camp and more serious fare- if undoubtedly OTT in places. However I’m afraid Salt never really earns its self-seriousness. The dialogue is as cliche as they come, varying from damned obvious to ‘this-sounds-cool-even-if-it-makes-no-sense’. This wouldn’t be such an issue if the motivations of the characters made any sense, or the moments which were supposed to carry emotional weight did so. I can’t really put my finger on exactly why emotional moments and important lines don’t really land properly. I think perhaps if the film focused more on the context of what was going on; why people are doing what they’re doing, why they feel how the feel and so forth, it would work a lot better. But background and relationships are given to us all to briefly- the most we get is a quick flashback, but sometimes we get as little as one line.

The action is mostly pretty passable, with some cool or inventive moments in places. It’s all style and no substance though, with blows landing with little impact and stunts seeming pretty improbable- yet somehow also not that exciting?

One thing Salt has going for it is its cast. Not one packed with huge names, but rather full of reliable sort-of household names and character actors who give a dodgy script a decent go. Liev Screiber plays the main, surprise, antagonist, being revealed as a traitor towards the end of the film. I’ve always thought quite highly of Schreiber. As much as anything else he’s able to give off a presence; a sense of menace or authority (or both) depending on the role he’s playing. This film is no exception. Opposite Schreiber as the good, but by the book, counter intelligence man is Chiewetel Ejiofor. Ejiofor has really come into his own with the sort of roles he deserves in the last few years. In a similar, though different, way to Schreiber, Ejiofor gives off an air of utter competence which makes him believable in almost any serious role thanks to his deep voice and measured delivery. I think its is these qualities that likely secured him the role as Scar in the recent CGI remake of The Lion King. He perhaps lacks a little of this trademark presence in Salt, though this is largely down to the script rather than the actor. Amusingly, Andre Braugher- likely best known these days to many of us as Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s Captain Raymond Holt- is in this film playing the Secretary of Defence; exactly the kind of serious authoritative role he sends up in B99.

Most important among the cast though is Angelina Jolie: Jolie was one of the most reliable pair of hands for this kind of fare during this films’ period, more or less guaranteeing a decent leading performance regardless of the quality of the script. She was (and likely still is) dynamic, expressive and striking. She gives us a performance with pathos and grit- or at least as much as the film allows. That she plays an arse-kicking female spy is great; but know, dear reader, that this comes at a price in 2010. She still finds herself doing things like covering a surveillance camera by removing her panties and placing them atop it. They don’t teach that shit in spy school.

The film is full of twists which do keep the viewer guessing and on their toes, but which don’t really feel very logical. All in all the film shows sparks of imagination in places and isn’t incompetent- it just feels rushed and underdeveloped. Not great, but not the worst. I am thus genuinely flummoxed by the fact that Roger Ebert gave this 4/4. These things are subjective I guess! But full marks strikes me as too generous. Indeed you may remember I was concerned in this weeks’ sneak peek that I might be wrong about this film, that it might be better than I was expecting: the good news is I was right all along. The bad news is I was right all along

2 stars!: **

-Tom

Sneak Peek: And we’re in Effect!

Alright gang? So this week, fresh off of the Sci Fi, B Movie-inspired jaunt through Viking Norway that was Outlander, I’ve got another film lined up for this weekend.
This one will likely be familiar to a few of you as it had a decent marketing budget, an a-list star and made some noise on arrival in 2010.

I remember it being reviewed pretty badly in Empire magazine (which I think is generally a little too generous with its scores most of the time) and indeed elsewhere. Furthermore, the dvd case proudly displays that proud Pound Shop Flix trope: good reviews from pornographic magazines (Nuts gave it 4 stars!). However, a quick google seems to suggest that other places (including Roger Ebert.com (!)) scored it well, so we will just have to see what’s what for ourselves. I don’t think it too bold to say that this Blog will give the definitive last word on the matter.*

All of this points towards a watchable, maybe even good, film. It’s star is usually pretty safe hands in this kind of fare too, so I’m more or less looking forward to it.

In terms of clues I’ll give you this: It’s a Spy film, and it ain’t called ‘Pepper’.

For now though, some other stuff you might find interesting:

There’s a film coming in 2021 (god how are we nearly on the 2020s!?). Pitch-wise they had me at ‘Jessica Chastain and Lupita N’yongo are spies.’ If this blog is still around in 2021,someone remind me to watch this as a bonus flick: https://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2019/09/jessica-chastain-lupita-nyongo-led-spy-thriller-35.html

(Aditionally it’s worth reading up on the linked stuff in the article about Fan Bingbing, Chinese star who is also in the film and was the subject of a brief apparent disappearance).

Vanity Fair recently sat down with The RZA, mastermind and founding member of the Wu-Tang Clan to discuss the Kung-Fu films that the group were inspired by, referenced and sampled. This is pretty much a venn diagram of my interests, but even the casual observer will find it interesting I think: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZ67KyHX-cY

Have a good few days and see you Sunday readers!

-Tom

*This is a joke, to be clear.

Outlander: But not the one you’re thinking of.

There can be only one? Nope that’s Highlander.

Machine for eroding wood? Nope that’s a belt sander.

Lady with fruity hat? Nope, that’s Carmen Miranda.

What we’re looking at today, is Outlander, an independent Sci-Fi flick from 2008; not to be confused with the modern TV series on US network Starz. Yessir its the first proper post in far too long! And so without further ado, here are my thoughts on Outlander. Spoilers ahead!

Outlander stars Jim Caviezel as Kainan, a man from another world who crash lands his spacecraft in Viking-era Europe. With him, he unwittingly brings a ‘Moorwen’; a monstrous beast capable of tearing people to pieces and hunting almost silently. Whilst looking for the Moorwen, Kainan is found by a group of Vikings who- though initially suspicious of him- take him in only to find themselves at the mercy of the Moorwen. The film follows the tribe’s ‘war’ with the Moorwen, as they seek to kill it before it kills them. The Moorwen is a sort of cross between a Xenomorph (from Alien, reviewed here a few weeks back) and a ‘Displacer Beast’ from Dungeons and Dragons; and the CGI is good enough that it does look like a genuine threat.

I’ll be honest with you reader, I liked this film a lot more than I thought I was going to! My research led me to expect a slightly-better-than-most B-Movie or forgettable and schlocky attempt at blockbuster fare. What I got was a pretty decent film; cliche, yes- and with large debts to older, better films (Alien, Predator, Braveheart etc)- but competent and even compelling. And while it wears additional B-Movie influences on its sleeve, the film delivers moments of genuine tension, pathos and excitement.

Its not perfect by any means. It’s a little too long, some plot points feel unnecessary, some of the accents wander and some of the action is not terribly well shot. But the film is elevated by a half-decent script and a cast who almost all bring their A-game. I’ve not seen Caviezel in anything else before, but he makes good in the role of strong, silent soldier type crossed with man-who-fell-to-earth.* Sophia Myles -again new to me but a seemingly talented genre actress with a number of roles to her name- plays the love interest/ King’s-daughter-who-also-fights-good well even when her scripting is a little flimsy. Stand-outs though come from a couple of veterans- John Hurt as King Rothgar and Ron Perlman as Gunnar, leader of an opposing tribe. John Hurt lifts every scene he’s in, giving gravitas to pretty run-of-the-mill fantasy dialogue. Perlman on the other hand only really matters in one scene, the first in which he appears, but makes one hell of an impact as the fearsome Gunnar- all rage and violence. Another performance worth mentioning is Cliff Saunders as Boromir**, the frequently drunk blacksmith of the town who provides 90% of the films’ humour.

A look that seems to say: ‘In THESE shoes??!’

All in all then, this film is pretty decent! Definitely watchable and punching above its weight, file this one under ‘minor cult classic’. I might even watch it again someday.

3 stars!: ***

-Tom

*His most famous role, surprisingly (at least to me) was as Jesus Christ in Mel Gibson’s passion project (geddit!?) Passion of the Christ- the film that finally answers the question: ‘what if we filmed the Easter story, but made it weirdly violent and let an anti-semite film it?’

**One thing the film does not excel at is originality in the name department.

When there’s no room left in hell: The blog shall rise!

Hey guys, first off an apology. I’ve been under the weather for a couple of weeks and thus did not feel equal to watching and insulting dodgy films. So I’m sorry that I haven’t blogged in a couple of weeks. But more than that I apologise for not saying anything–a quick post noting I was ill wouldn’t have been too tough. Nonetheless, we’re back! This Sunday I will FINALLY watch Outlander and post about it and a good time will be had by all. But for now, allow me to point you toward some interesting things.

Firstly, here is my original sneak peek for Outlander: https://onepoundoneflick.video.blog/2019/08/15/to-peek-perchance-to-sneak/

Secondly, if you’re new to the blog, here’s the explanation of what it’s about: https://onepoundoneflick.video.blog/2019/06/06/pound-shop-flix/

Now for some external items of interest:

Joaquim Phoenix and Todd Phillips Joker film appears to be causing a stir. Lots of adulation, but also some concerns about its ideology. The discussion is summed up here by The Beat: https://www.comicsbeat.com/early-joker-reviews/?fbclid=IwAR2bBMTv8quHBO3N3JZ21t0_2La0k6y7pOzK3qltJYj8sXjg2LGIsQJrWkw

A film I was unaware of until late, In Fabric sounds like it could be a great, quirky watch. A British Horror film, it’s better that you watch the trailer than I try and explain it to you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0hmruwUeW4

I went to see the Amélie musical last week and it was bloody delightful. If you like the film, go see it. If you haven’t seen the film then read a plot synopsis, otherwise it might be a challenge to figure out what exactly is happening. Here’s one of the songs, featuring the cast who are touring the show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3EXLXITI_M

And finally, if you’re at all a fan of the squared circle/ wrasslin’/ adults pretending to beat each other up then check out AEW’s show All Out, broadcast last weekend. It’s available on ITV box Office in the UK. I watched most of it and it was good. Some teething problems but a lot of guts! Private Party FTW.

Until Sunday then,

Tom

Intermission: The Lego Batman Movie

Hey gang, so, as discussed in my post yesterday there will be a weeks intermission before my review of the previously teased Outlander. But that doesn’t mean you’ve gotta go hungry! I watched the Lego Batman Movie last night for the second time and I have some thoughts I’d like to share with you!

First off, I love this film. I feel like I should object to the Lego movies on the grounds that they are essentially the worlds longest examples of product placement–worse even than blade 3!

“Thank goodness these vampires weren’t prepared for these high-quality, comfort-enhanced Apple Earphones!”

But the thing is they are made with such skill and enthusiasm that I, along with seemingly most others, really rather like them. The animation is amazing and unique to these films, the humour is knowing yet cartoonish enough for the kids and the fact that they feature cameos from endless intellectual properties we know and love gives them another unique advantage. Plus, as I’ve mentioned here and there in the blog, I’m a big comic book fan; so Lego Batman had a head start in the race for my heart.

And it takes full advantage of this fact! The film packs in cameos, references and in-jokes for fans of the Batman mythos/ canon. Featuring nods to earlier batman films from Adam West’s 60’s goof-fests to the Ben Afflek SUPER SERIOUS films of recent years in addition to every villain you can think of, almost any frame of this film is a joyous exploration of the history of the Dark Knight- through a sort-of fun-house Lego mirror.

Furthermore this film GETS Batman in a way that not all of his films do. It understands the emotional core of the character, the fear of loss that drives him to push others away–and the necessity of him letting people in. Yes it’s a sanitised and disney-esque story of a hero learning a lesson and beating the baddies (this is a kids film after all); but rarely does it feel anything other than true to at least a version of the character.

If you haven’t seen it, the film follows Batman as he fights the Jokers most villainous plan to date- and the only one to my knowledge which features Daleks*. Along the way he adopts a son Dick Grayson / Robin, learns to work with others and let in those who care about him, and finally come to accept his intetwined relationship with the Joker. The action is fluid, comic, Godzilla is there, the climax basically has it all.

The film isn’t perfect of course, the essential flippancy which propels the film also detracts a little from its emotive weight and there’s an argument, I think, that some of the raiding of WB’s I.P. banks borders on self-indulgent. But at the end of the day, this film is just miles better than a Hollywood cash grab film about plastic batman has any right to be!!!

4 stars: ****

-Tom

*although they are only referred to in the film as ‘British Robots’, they are undoubtedly Daleks.

Blog delay- but its on its way!

Hey guys,

Afraid my blog on the sneaked peeked film I promised will be delayed by a week. The film was, of course, Outlander; B-Movie style sci-fi nonsense which punches above its’ weight- at least that’s what I hear.

I haven’t watched it yet as the opportunity arose to spend quality time with family, so that’s what I did.

HOWEVER, I did watch a film during this- The Lego Batman Movie- which I will do a quick post on tomorrow. Not as a Pound Shop Flick, but as a Bloggy Bonus.

Until then!

-Tom

To peek, perchance, to sneak:

Hi readers, hope your week is going well!?

Got a sneak peek here for this weeks film. It’s week 11 and, after a brief sojourn into quality cinema with Alien last week, we’re back to the good, good bad stuff.

Amusingly, this weeks’ film also has John Hurt in the cast, just as Alien did, and is another sci-fi film. It also stars James Caviezel, Sophia Myles, Ron Perlman and Paul Bettany and is directed by Howard McCain. It is loosely based on the classic English epic poem ‘Beowulf’ and features close encounters between aliens and-get this- Vikings.

That’s right it’s one of those films that sounds like a panicked elevator pitch more than anything else:

‘We need a film that the youths will like. They like when you put aliens against thing right? Alien vs Predator? Cowboys vs Aliens? Spacejam?’

‘I’ve got it…. VIKINGS’

*Execs cheer, snort cocaine*

BUT in fairness my initial research seems to be suggesting that this film, which I picked out of the hollowed pound palace shelves for its apparent schlokiness might actually be somewhat better than its first impression may suggest. Not GOOD per say, but watchable. I’m thinking somewhere between schlockfest and competence. Should be a laugh! Here’s your peek:

So any guesses? Hit me with a comment! Until then, some points of interest:

-I’m gonna introduce a sneak peek guestimate star rating, where I’ll guess how good I think I will think the film is after watching it. For this one, I’m thinking…. 2 Stars!

-Sleater-Kinney have a new album out. Riot girl/ punk duo (formerly trio) who helped trailblaze the scene years ago and whose last album No Cities to Love was awesome. Worth checking out the new one I imagine- I certainly intend to: https://www.theguardian.com/music/2019/aug/15/sleater-kinney-the-centre-wont-hold-album-review

Util the weekend then!

-Tom

Chestburster? I hardly know her!!!: Pound Shop Flix watches Alien for the first time

Hey guys, apologies the blog is a day late with no heads up from me. I thought I could watch and write up Alien in the time I had, but I was wrong. Man gotta live, so man gotta work, so man gotta sleep!

But we’re here now- so thanks for coming. Unlike most of the films I’ve watched so far, you will undoubtedly, dear reader, have heard of Alien. You may well have seen it too! I however, have not. While pretty well versed in pop culture, especially the nerdier end of it, this particular series passed me by until now. Part of this is because Alien is a horror flick- and until fairly recently I didn’t watch horror films. But having been talked around to watching a damn good one (The Orphanage), and convinced of the genre’s worth by horror nerds, I am occasionally dipping my toe in these days. Alien of course is horror/ sci-fi, so it already had one foot in my door* already. The main reason though, that I chose this film for my tenth week reward watch is because there’s an Alien Tabletop-Role-Playing-Game on it’s way this year–and I love that shit.

*insert Kenneth Williams noise

Spoilers throughout!

If you don’t recognise this, then I encourage you to go and watch ‘Spaceballs’ reader!

So I sat down to watch Alien, prepared for some serious terror and quality film-making. I got both-though not quite to the degree I expected. The director Ridley Scott is one of Hollywood’s biggest names, and rightly so, with a body of work including Gladiator, Blade Runner and Thelma and Louise, the man makes good films! And with Alien being what put him on the map, its fair to come in with some expectations. The film begins with several lingering shots of the exterior of ‘The Nostromo’, the ship upon which 90% of the film takes place. We then get long panning shots of the interior of the ship. I mention this because it establishes early on that this film is going to be- for want of a better term- cinematic. And indeed having watched the whole film, part of its strength is a willingness on Ridley Scott/the camera teams’ part to take their time establishing the set and the atmosphere. Throughout the film they deftly depict the vast blackness of space, the cold mechanical interior of the ship, and human moments of tension and terror that really sell the film and its action.

Along with this camera work is some truly excellent sound design. If I had to point to the films best feature, the audio is what I would point to. The sound effects of bleeping computers, failing radios, down to the Xenomorph’s (the Alien of the title) breathing- it all feels authentic and creates a suspenseful mood. Coupled with sparing use of music-and expert use of silence-, musical stings and bursts of sudden, shocking noise, the film expertly strings along the heart-rate of the viewer.

Another thing I would like to highlight is the practical effects used in this film. I’m not one of those who decries the rise of CGI or anything- I frankly don’t know enough about it. But there’s no doubt that some of the practical effects on display in this pre-cgi film are exceptional. The part where Science Officer Ash (Ian Holm as a treacherous android, at this point in the film mostly exploded) is reawakened and his head made to talk whilst sinuously clinging to the remains of his body is remarkable. It should not look real. But it does.

Okay so here it looks like an alarming Spaghetti Carbonara related accident but trust me in the film, even in blu-ray, it looks damn good.

However I must admit, some of the effects have not aged so well. The movement of the baby Xenomorph when it dashes away having killed Kane (John Hurt) is hokey; to the point of pulling you out of the film momentarily in the cold light of 2019. However I think most viewers with any knowledge of what they are watching (i.e most of them) will forgive this kind of thing, the film is now 40 years old after all! In the same way that you accept that Casablanca is devoid of colour, you accept as a viewer that this is not all going to look photorealistic. So it does detract, but not too much.

Sigourney Weaver is the films’ protagonist, being the Third Officer Ripley on the Nostromo and the only one with any damn sense! But she and indeed all the cast play their parts well and the characters are pretty well defined- I especially like the low-key class conflict between the mechanical staff and the technical staff. We watch as the crew are picked off person by person by the Xenomorph, until Ripley ends the film in a desperate struggle for survival, detonating the Nostromo, only to have to tangle with the creature again in her escape shuttle. Ripley is capable, but human and Weaver’s delivery gives her an emotive but commanding quality. Did her stripping half naked towards the climax via a convenient plot point add anything? No, and it does spoil the fact that we have a competent female protagonist in a 1979 genre film a little. But Weaver’s performance is good enough to gloss over it.

All in all the film is really good and I’m glad I watched it- but it didn’t quite tip over into masterpiece territory for me. Though in the interest of honesty and trying to give a full understanding, I didn’t watch the film in ideal circumstances. A crowded house at nighttime necessitated that I keep the audio low, and writing notes on a film can sometimes distract from the experience. In ideal circumstances, perhaps I’d be giving this 5 stars. But make no mistake, it’s a country mile ahead of anything else I’ve had on the blog!

4 stars!: ****

Until next time readers! I can’t lie about your chances, but you have my sympathies…

-Tom

As usual, all copyrighted material belongs to copyright holders. Please don’t sue me.

Week 10 Blog Midweeker!

Alright readers? SO we made it to week 10! Not bad going.

As a reward for making it through nine weeks of terrible-to-middling films, I thought a cool thing to do would be to watch something good to celebrate! But specifically I want to use the opportunity to watch something I’ve always meant to watch, but haven’t yet.

When I was a teenager I went through a phase of raiding charity shops for VHS tapes.* DVD was dominating the market and videos of all kinds were going dirt cheap- normally about 50p a go. It was result of this that I got to watch The Shawshank Redemption; one of my favourite films and widely agreed to be bloody excellent. However, I also ended up accumulating a large number of films which I never got around to watching, which is a shame! It’s so easy to just ignore anything new and coast on the things we already know we love or which don’t involve any real engagement. But I find when I do bother to try something new, it’s usually a food experience.

So yeah, every 10th week of the blog I’m going to watch and write about a film I haven’t seen but have always intended to. And this week that film will be everyone’s favourite Giger-ian nightmare: Alien.

In fairness no-one can hear you scream where I live either, on account of the slanging matches!

But don’t worry faithful readers! I will still be applying the quote-unquote rigorous standards of the blog: If something sucks, I’ll point it out! But plenty of better critics than me have said that Alien is great so it probably mostly is. So please, join me on Sunday-they’re coming out of the walls!

-Tom

*Yeah I was a pretty cool teenager.

You brought her to my gaff, knowing I’d be fingered?: ‘Malice in Wonderland’ in review.

When the above line of dialogue was spoken in the final third of baffling mess Malice In Wonderland (2009, no relation to the 1980s animated short), I knew I’d found my title.

Spoilers ahead!

I approached this weeks film with some trepidation. I felt sure it was going to be both bad and unpleasant. The optimism I had on Thursday- when I thought it would probably be inoffensive compared to the likes of Dark Crimes, was ebbing as I pushed the disc into my PS4. This was not helped by the fact that the privacy warnings- of the sort that begin every DVD- appeared to be blurry and out of focus. I navigated the flashy, if slightly insubstantial menu and pressed play.

What then followed was probably the oddest film I’ve ever seen- and I once watched Leprachaun 3,wherein Warwick Davis’ evil Leprechaun ends the film with a rap about how great he is. This is perhaps to be somewhat expected. Based (as you no doubt guessed) on the surreal and fantastical Lewis Carrol story of Alice in Wonderland, Malice in Wonderland (MIW hereafter) was always likely to be odd. But MIW isn’t just odd in the way its supposed to be, its general weirdness extends to almost every aspect of the film!

If you’ve always thought: ‘What Alice in Wonderland really needs is some prostitutes then this is the film for you! And you should seek help.

I won’t recap the whole plot here- largely because it makes very little sense. Suffice to say our protagonist Alice (Maggie Grace) is hit by secondary protagonist ‘Whitey’ (Danny Dyer)* in his cab and proceeds to lose her memory. They then pinball around London, meeting all manner of strange folk, all of whom are criminals, until she finally gets her memory back via the use of unnamed drugs, a magic, riddle-spouting radio DJ and time travel. I am not making this up. Using her regained memory, Alice and Whitey then proceed to find her long lost mother- the reason she came to London in the first place. Every single set piece, every single twist on the original Carrol story is a mixture of unpleasantness, sub-par Guy Ritchie-esque crime stuff, and strangeness that reaches the level of being nonsensical. I honestly cannot do justice to how goddamned strange, yet strangely boring this film is. If Guy Ritchie got beaned on the head by a large rock, taken to the hospital and doped up on morphine and then wrote a film… It would probably still be more competant than this.

But strangeness is okay; indeed strangeness is good! In a world of endless sequels, reboots and formulaic Hollywood crap, its good when a film can surprise you. Unfortunately this film’s approach to surprise was less like a birthday present and more like a mugging. The character motivations make no sense. Is Whitey selfish or does he care about Alice? Why is Alice in love with him- he has done almost nothing to earn it. He hit her with his freaking car! He literally spells out his intention to masturbate over the memory of her as one of the first thing he says to her! He’s approximately as lovable as an ulcer! As a side-effect of her amnesia, we are given basically no reason to care about Alice**, so the heavy lifting needs to be done by other characters. They’d have been better of making Whitey slightly less Danny Dyer and slightly more… I dunno…. Nice? What’s more the characters (with the exception of Alice) are ALL dialled up to 11. To be an enjoyably surreal ride, you need breathing room, moments of quiet; MIW assaults the viewer with:

-A gang of theives, one of whom has the eyes of a rat and a snout-like nose, whose base is a fairground ride.

-An information broker dressed as a Victorian (maybe Edwardian?) Duchess who has a magic brain hat.

-A white man with dreadlocks and a jamaican accent who speaks only in rhyme (and his companion, a rhyming prostitute)

-A DIFFERENT set of prostitutes whose base of operation is a cafe with numerous 18-wheelers parked outside, in which they have sex with the clients.

-A mob boss who speaks eloquently, carries an antique pistol and whose right hand man is an elderly man with an Axe called ‘Rex’.

-Time travel via the medium of the aforementioned magic DJ who speaks in riddles and can also appears to know all of Alice’s past?

It. Is. Breathless. It almost seems like the filmakers thought ‘if we whallop the viewer with batshit nonsense for the entire run-time, they might not notice that none of this makes any damn sense, a lot of it is outright offensive, and the CGI is totally amateurish’.

Not even Matt ‘Super Hans’ King can save this film.

Perhaps oddest of all though is the ending. For the last ten minutes of the film, it tries to morph into a Normal Story where Normal Things happen. Alice and Whitey find out her mother sold Alice as a Baby, and now lives as a homeless women in the London Underground rail network. Alice meets her mum, is not even a little angry, her mum refuses the offer of a hotel room and a hot meal, and heartwarming music swells to play us out. The tonal shift could easily give you a neck injury.

I don’t have much more to say really! To be fair to MIW, every now and again the onslaught of fantasy-cockney one-liners does land, and Maggie Grace/ Danny Dyer are fine in their respective roles. But any good ideas are buried in a tide of astounding drek; perhaps it would have helped if the DVD had come with a bag of whatever the hell drugs they were taking when they made this?

1 star!: *

*Whitey like the rabbit. Geddit?

** A problem which, to a much lesser degree, affected Marvel’s Captain Marvel too.