Midweek, later than usual, sneak and/or peek

Hello there!

Thanks for joining me again folks. On the off chance this is your first visit, welcome! My name’s Tom and this is a blog about bad films I buy (from pound shops), watch and review.

This week we’ll be tackling another actioner, coming hot as hell out of 1990, making it our earliest film yet! It stars a Hollywood Heartthrob and a Pfeiffer, but probably not the one you expect! The protagonist is a crook and a surfer, but this film came out 1 year BEFORE the amazing Point Break. Will it be as good? Doubtful!

Not a great many reviews readily available, but what scraps I can find suggest a pretty weak film! I’m looking forward to sharing it with you though, and I must confess the boxart and posters for this film have an aggressively 90s aesthetic that I for one am into.

That is a basic-arse tagline right there. Cool jackets though…

Any guesses? Leave a comment!

Some other points of interest:

-Have you seen What We Do in The Shadows? If not, you should. I love it. A sort of mockumentary based around a group of Vampires and written by Jermaine Clement (from Flight of the Conchords) and Taika Waititi (Thor: Ragnarok, Hunt for the Wilderpeople etc) and is very quirky and funny. The first series of the TV show of the same name is currently on BBC Iplayer and is excellent too. Following different characters but with a similar tone, my initial scepticism was put to rest within a couple of episodes.

-I really love Martial Arts films and there is an absolute wealth of brilliant ones. This list, compiled by Paste.com, has plenty that I had never heard of, and you likely haven’t either. Check it out if you’re into that sort of thing!: https://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2015/01/the-100-best-martial-arts-movies-of-all-time.html?a=1

Until Sunday, folks!

-Tom

Hot Pocket? Hot Pot? Hot Potato? Hot Pursuit!

Okay gang, we’re here again. Sunday and it’s time to talk about a film. This week, as you may or may not have guessed from Wednesday’s tease, we’re talking about Hot Pursuit: a buddy comedy featuring Oscar Winning Reese Witherspoon* and the always entertaining Sofia Vergara. They play, respectively, an uptight police officer with a chip on her shoulder, and a drug-cartel-lieutenants trophy wife. Before we begin in earnest however, I would like to take this opportunity to deploy a joke:

What do you call Reese Witherspoon after she finishes her cereal?

Reese Washerspoon

I thank you.

So does their hair naturally swing like that or….?

So what did I think of this film? As I posted on Wednesday, reviews were generally pretty unfavorable, pitching it at one or two stars generally. So I was expecting a bit of a trainwreck. But in truth, this film is…. fine. It’s funny in places, and generally has a sort of breezy sensibility which carries the viewer along. The chemistry between the two leads- which a buddy film essentially lives or dies on- is present, if not shining quite so bright as might be hoped, and both leads give performances good enough to rise above the pretty poor dialogue they are given. Witherspoon is not only a strong enough actor to make her uptight, insecure and cartoonish by the book cop a sense of life, but to deliver an accent and cadence which fit the character and lends itself to the character jokes. Vergara’s role is not a complicated one, but one she takes on with enthusiasm, and its hard to imagine anyone else doing it so well. Her character is more impulsive and outspoken, and, thanks to some late-in-the-game revelations, not just the vain and self-absorbed trophy wife she initially appears to be.

The film follows the two leads as they try to get from the house lived in by Vergara and her not-long-for-this-world husband to a Witness Protection checkpoint. They race across Texas (the Mexican-American drug trade is the catalyst for the film) trying to avoid criminals and crooked cops alike with antics and hijinks of varying degrees. They dress up as a sort of pantomime deer, steal several cars, meet Jim Gaffigan and his dog and generally careen between near misses and comic misadventures.

The key problem with this film, and a big part of why I think it was lambasted by critics, is that it sticks so rigidly to the odd couple/ buddy film formula. We know from the very beginning that the two opposites will come to like each other and work together to overcome a common problem. We know that the humour will largely come from their differences, and we know that they will both teach each other Something Important. This, in of itself, isn’t that much of a problem. Films can be formulaic and still very good. But the execution of the formula is off. The transgressions that Vergara’s character commits seem forgiven too easily- Witherspoon’s character seems determined to like her against all apparent logic. And Vergara’s character’s criminality/ lack thereof is so ill-defined its very difficult to know if we are or aren’t supposed to empathise with her. The film hits all the beats of a odd couple film without really feeling like they make for the characters.

The other major thing that hampers the film is the dialogue- including some of the jokes. As I have said the film is at times genuinely funny, and the leads posses comic talent. Not all of the jokes land however, and some of those that fail do so because they rely on tired tropes and low hanging fruit. Vergara and Witherspoon have differing body types, and Witherspoon’s more slight, short figure is played upon repeatedly for cheap jokes, whilst Vergara’s more curvaceous form is played up. This results in some jokes that essentially amount to body-shaming of Witherspoon’s character and the leering sexualisation of Vergara’s. This strikes me as especially odd as I feel like this film is primarily aimed at a female audience- surely we could do better for the average female movie-goer in 2019? Maybe I’m just too uptight about this stuff, but if I wanted to see women putting each other down with cheap shots about their bodies and sexual agency, I’d watch Real Housewives.

Woman has breasts; Story at 11.00!

All this being said I’d be lying if I said the film didn’t leave me with a smile on my face. It’s not truly great or all that memorable, but it features two strong performances and some unexpected fun. It’s fine! But only fine.

Oh and that ‘Texas Sized Extra’? 3 minutes long.

2 stars! **

-Tom

-PS I’ve started a rankings master-list of all the films I watch: https://onepoundoneflick.video.blog/2019/06/30/film-rankings/

*Witherspoon won for her portrayal of June Carter-Cash in Walk the Line, the film based upon Johnny Cash’s memoirs of the same name.

All copyrighted content belongs to copyright holders. Don’t sue me please, I’m poor!

TEXAS SIZED TEASE:

Okay it’s Wednesday and we know what that means, time to tease the next film! I promised you some fluff after three weeks of (mostly) straight-faced explosion/ murder flix and BY GOD I MEANT IT- though I have a feeling this one still features some gunplay… Maybe I crave vicarious violence? I should tell my therapist!

Here’s your tease:

Bold of them to boast of a ‘Texas-Sized’ extra when its the only extra. Where’s my three hour documentary?

That being said, this film does star an Oscar-Winning lead- but as Morgan Freeman’s presence in Hard Rain showed, that alone does not a good film make. It is a kind of buddy-film with two mismatched leads learning to work together against the odds and (stop me if you’ve heard this one) perhaps even respect each other despite their differing worldviews!

The film sits at 7% on Rotten Tomatoes, gets 2 Stars from Glenn Kenny over at Roger Ebert, and, bizarrely, was reviewed at 3 stars by The Guardian.com in May 2015, and then reviewed again on the same site in July 2015 and given 1 star. Some choice review quotes:

‘(the film is) slackly constructed, unattractively shot, indifferently edited’- Roger Ebert

‘This (film) is a real crime against comedy’- Evening Standard

‘Boring’- Common Sense Media

So this should be a barrel of laughs! Any guesses on the film or the actresses in the pic? Comment!

For now though, something a little different. I’ve been wrangling with the question of whether to give the films I watch star ratings. The basic argument against it was: it will be hard. But I actually quite like the idea of challenging myself to make a decision. So I’m going to start! The system will be 0-5 stars, no halves or .5s. The decisions won’t be popular with everyone, but that’s sort of the point- to think about and discuss these films and how I/ we feel about them!

So the last three films:

Hard Rain- 2 stars: Not devoid of quality or redeeming features, just very patchy.

Dark Crimes- 1 star: A hard watch, and not in a good way.

Ronin- 3 stars. Probably would have been four stars had I seen it on release (and been an adult at the time); competent and enjoyable but feels a little aged in places.

There we go! Ronin was easily the hardest decision there. Could easily have been four. If I was doing halves it would be 3.5. Let me know what you think, and I’ll see you again this coming Sunday!

-Tom

Ronin: Bit of Raspberry Jam back there!

Spoilers throughout!

Hey guys, thanks for joining me again for the third film on Pound Shop Flix! Congrats to anyone who successfully identified from wednesday’s teaser that the film was to be Ronin: a competant action/ crime thriller starring Robert De Niro, Jean Reno and a number of other recognisable stars.

As I hinted at on Wednesday, when I bought this film hoping for guff, I was mistaken! This film, while by no means a masterpiece, is pretty good! It starts off feeling like a fairly by-the-numbers crime flick carried largely by De Niro’s star power, but develops into a more complex beast as motivations are revealed, backs are stabbed, and twists abound. Nonetheless I decided to go ahead and write about this film. It may be significantly better ’90s action film than Hard Rain, and be lightyears ahead of Dark Crimes, but I still got it for a quid, and there’s still plenty of stuff I think interesting to talk about.

Image result for Ronin film poster

So the film centres around a mysterious case, which both Russian and Irish criminal interests both want to secure. Initially the stories focus is on the Irish side: a woman named Deirdre (which is pronounced ‘Deer-Drah’, not ‘Deer-Dree’)* and the gang of men she has hired for the task of stealing the case. These men are the ‘ronin’ which give the film its title; though they are never explicitly called by this name, their similarities to the figures of Japanese history from which the word originally comes are pointed to deliberately in the film. Where actual ronin were disgraced Samurai who had failed to protect their master and were forced to become mercenaries or bandits, these men are all ex-military, or ex-intelligence officers who sell their skills for a high price. Pretty early on, tension mounts as the group begin to plan and execute their operation. They do not trust one another, and some appear more capable than others.The actual heists begins well, but as the case appears secure one of the men ‘Gregor’ (Stellan Skarsgård) betrays the others and escapes with the case. As Gregor remains on the run, De Niro’s character Sam and the others track him down and capture him, only to be betrayed again, this time by the Irishman pulling the strings Seamus (Jonathan Pryce). Leaving only Sam and Vincent (Jean Reno) alive, the Seamus escapes with Deirdre, Gregor and the case. The film climaxes in a scramble for the case through the crowds of an Ice Rink, where the Russains, the Irish, Gregor, and the pairing of Sam and Vincent all fight for the case- until the finale, where it is revealed that Sam never cared about the case, only Seamus, who he’s been tasked with arresting because he never left the CIA.

All told the film is a good watch! The set pieces are all exciting, the shoot-out tense and the car chases exciting. There’s a sort-of romance between Sam and Deirdre but it never really gets off the ground; though it does provide one or two emotional moments in a film where no-one is otherwise willing to give anything away. I liked the fact that Sam turns out to be a ‘good guy’ rather than just a mercenary. It is hinted at and later confirmed and while it is a twist, it doesn’t feel out of place- every character in this film has hidden motivations, distrusts one another (except Sam and Vincent who pretty much become best mates), and keeps secrets; Sam’s fall into place in a logical manner.

The film does require some suspension of disbelief and makes some jumps between set-piece to set-piece via some improbable problem solving- Vincent’s friend Jean Pierre appears to have access to any secret the plot requires, with no explanation of how. This however, is pretty much fine- it’s not a documentary after all. The budding friendship between Sam and Vincent feels real and both actors inhabit their protagonist roles well, and De Niro does his thing enjoyably; he’s given pithy dialogue peppered with metaphors and wise-cracks (see here for examples: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0122690/quotes/?tab=qt&ref_=tt_trv_qu ) which is enjoyable to watch, though occasionally tiptoes to the line of being a Bit Much.

Bobby coming dangerously close to peak De Niro Face

Another interesting thing about this film that I think is worth exploring here is that it exists in a very specific place and time which, watching in 2019, you can’t help but notice. Sean Bean is in the first third of this film, and looks remarkably young- the fact that he bows out early shows the films age, given his modern day star power.** It also hails from a time when Robet De Niro was still making good films and not Dirty Grandpa or Bread adverts! (I’m kidding Bob, please don’t hurt me!) More seriously, it was released in 1998 and builds into its plot not only ex-KGB members (though this is fairly common in action flicks from the late 20th Century) but also the flippin’ Northern Irish Peace Process, which was reaching its conclusion at roughly around the time the film was finished!*** Indeed it is essentially suggested that Sam’s capturing of Seamus results in the completion of the peace process. I like that this gives the film a sense of context- though it’s a touch heavy handed on that last point.

So yeah, I dug this film, basically! The performances were all good, at no point did I feel like I was watching an actor go through the motions. The script and plot were entertaining too!

The last thing I want to do is to talk about why I thought this film would be bad at the time of purchase. Now obviously I found it in the shelves of a Pound Shop, which is a good start. But it was two key factors that made me think it probably wasn’t up to much. One, it was a De Niro film I hadn’t heard of- and I like De Niro, I would have said I known about all his Big Films. Second of all, the DVD box design from the edition I picked up was bad. Not laughably bad, just generic and uninspired, essentially just the film’s poster (see above) with the tagline ‘Loyalty Is Bought, Betrayal Is A Way Of Life’ (instead of the Good Morning America quote that appears on the above version.)

Furthermore it featured no reviews or commendations, so I figured it wan’t up to much. Just goes to show- you can’t judge a film by its substandard marketing!

And that’s about that gang! Next week we’ve got a fluffy goof-about of a flick with two of Hollywood’s top female leads. I look forward to sharing it with you.

-Tom

*Who is played by Natascha McElhone, whom I couldn’t immediately place. So I looked her up- turns out I recognise her from The Truman Show, which I mentioned my love of last week!

**Also, in Ronin we have a film in which Sean Bean appears, but DOESN’T DIE. The curse is (was?) broken!!! His character does however refer to a gunfight as ‘a bit of raspberry jam’. I don’t know why.

***The film released in the U.K on the 20th November 1998. The Good Friday Agreement was signed in April of that year.

All copyright material belongs to respective holders.

Midweek Sneaky Peeky: Tom Drops the Ball!

Alright party people? Another midweek mini-post here to tease you for this weeks’ film. That’s right, despite Dark Crimes’ best efforts, the blog don’t stop! I’ll have another post up this coming Sunday (23/06/19) about a film that has several ingredients of film gold: De Niro! New York! Sean Bean! Will it reach the heights of other such films like Goodfellas, The Godfather, or hell, even Gangs of New York?

Any guesses on the film? Comment!



Well actually… maybe!

See I bought this film as per usual rummaging through a pound store, and pulled it out to take a look largely based on the name. It rang no immediate bells, and despite a great cast, we knoe from past experience that down’t always make for a good film! The fact that the DVD copy I picked up features no reviews extolling its virtues and some pretty uninspired sleeve design, I figured I had found a winner; another bad flick with which to fill my boots.

When I mentioned the name of the film to my day-job colleagues however, they were unanimously of the opinion that this was a good film! And a cursory glance at some online reviews suggests the same. My instincts may have failed me!

Nonetheless I will watch and write about this film, likely talking about what lifts it above the two previous films this blog has tackled, and perhaps what could be improved. It should still present an interesting example! Though I’m disappointed my streak of bad films has been broken so early, it’s not the end of the world. Like a wise man once said: ‘Don’t be sad- ‘Cos 2 out 3 ain’t bad@.

Some other points of note:

Bad Movie Diaries, an occasional column over at Paste Magazine’s website and major influence on this blog, has a new post up about a bad Robocop rip-off. Check it out, these guys are funny as hell. https://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2018/05/bad-movie-diaries-rotor-1987.html

-Another inspiration for this blog (albeit in a very different way) was/ is my friend Alex’s blog about learning and working within the History/ Heritage sector. My own writing background is within the study of history, especially British Cultural History (like films!), and while I try to bring some of that studiousness to my blog, Alex’s blog is the real deal. Check it out, she’s smart as hell! https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/110804269

Until Sunday then!

-Tom

Dark Crimes: More than just a stupid name? No.

Content Warning: Discussion of sexual violence and harrasment both fictional and real in paragraphs 3,4, ‘Some stuff I didn’t like’ section and in the linked articles.

Spoiler Warning: Plot spoilers throughout

Okay gang, here’s film number two. Well done if you guessed it correctly from Wednesday’s tease. Dark Crimes is a film starring Jim Carrey; Hollywood funnyman playing against type as brooding, compromised detective investigating a cold murder case. Sitting a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, getting 1-star from Roger Ebert and The Observer alike, the film was… not well received.

In retrospect, it was clear that they had thoroughly misjudged the Ace Ventura reboot

I’ll be honest with you, I regret picking this film for my second proper post. This blog is supposed to be essentially light-hearted chance to poke fun at other people’s hard work. Dark Crimes offers little opportunity to be light-hearted, and little space within which I can comfortably make dumb jokes. I will try to walk the line between being entertaining and being flippant about the film’s unpleasant subject matter, but if I fail please let me know so I can amend things.

The subject matter I refer to isn’t actually the murder involved. In fact, we never see it take place. What we do see is the abuse of prostitutes in a sex club years earlier, which proves to be the motive for the murder. While this film is not ‘torture porn’ in the vein of something like Hostel and doesn’t revel in it’s violence in quite the same way, its attempts to be ‘dark and gritty’ mean that it builds an incredibly bleak atmosphere which gives the viewer no real quarter. As well as the shots inside the club, the viewer is subjected to an audiobook-description of the events which the protagonist Tadek (Jim Carrey) listens to as evidence. Now I am not necessarily against a film having ‘dark’ or unpleasant content. But to my mind it has to be earned. A film with compelling characters, a meaningful story, or something worth saying can earn the right to use unpleasant subject matter by virtue of it contextualising or discussing the unpleasantness that does exist in our world. This film has none of those things. The characterisation of the protagonist is all over the place, the storyline has nothing profound to say and the viewer is left in no way enriched by the experience. There is a difference between a ‘dark’, bruising movie and an unfufilling ordeal for the viewer. This film is closer to the latter.

The film is actually based on true events, which can be read about here: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2008/02/11/true-crime. Be warned it is not an especially pleasant read. It is however factual- though incredibly unusual. Having read it myself, I can see numerous parallels between the true events and the story of Dark Crimes, as well as some changes. A story like this, if it is to be made into a movie, needs to be treated cautiously and with intellectual rigour, to make something meaningful out of the occurrence. Dark Crimes is sadly not up to the task.

Having discussed that, I will now turn to the movies less uncomfortable elements. Let’s get the first thing out of the way: ‘Dark Crimes’ is a straight-up terrible name for a film. Crime is dark! Of course its dark! It’s superfluous. But I guess they threw the word ‘dark’ in there in order to telegraph to the viewer: this is a SERIOUS film full of SERIOUS stuff. Remember that guy from The Mask? Bruce Almighty? Ace Ventura? WELL NOW HE’S A SKETCHY COP.

Indeed it was the self-serious yet essentially meaningless name of this film that caught my eye amongst the DVDs of PoundWorld. Unfortunately this same self-seriousness and commitment to a general air of bleakness that makes it a tough watch.

Personally I first encountered Jim Carrey in trailers for The Mask on an old VHS of god-knows-what. The first films I saw him in were Bruce Almighty, Liar Liar and Yes Man. As such, to me, Jim Carrey always has been, and, to an extent, always will be, the rubbery faced goofball of his earlier movies. He has shown his ability as a dramatic actor though, in The Truman Show (a film I think very highly of) and in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Nonetheless, to see him play ‘straight’ still feels like a novelty, and I suspect- with no disrespect to his audition or abilities- that is part of the reason he was cast for this film. A piece of stunt casting to draw attention. I don’t object to that in of itself though. Unfortunately the central performance does not come out well. Carrey reins himself in a little too much, leaving the character feeling lifeless and blank. The character is also not written consistently, with him one minute presented as complicated and corrupt, the next a crusader for justice. He comprimises himself, and his investigation and breaks the law a number of times, yet still consistently talks about getting ‘Justice’- on one such occasion his superior shouts ‘Fuck Justice!’ because this is a film that aims for artsy intellectualism, yet is executed with the subtlety of a sneezing Brian Blessed. All of this on top of the fact that Carrey’s accent wanders over Europe, takes a trip to America and comes back again means that it is difficult to invest yourself in the character of Tadek as hero, anti-hero or anything else.*

In addition to the problems with the central character/ performance, the film as a whole suffers from a lack of focus, trying at once to be character study of its protagonist, a reflection of real events and tries to set up a red-herring villain as well as real one compellingly. Its runtime is (blessedly) short and so by trying to do too much, the film accomplishes little.

Some stuff I liked:

-I respect Carrey taking on a serious role. Such unusual choices from funnymen playing straight and straight actors playing comic can lead to enjoyable surprises; though not in this case.

-The film’s ending, though rushed, is bold enough not to tie things up neatly for the protagonist or his story arc (such as it is), and goes in a direction that could have been interesting.

Some stuff I didn’t like:

-No shot or scene in this film lasts very long. Cuts are too frequent and this renders the plot (though not complicated in of itself) hard to follow.

-There are a few plot points in this film which took me aback in surprise. Not because they are clever twists, but because they make no sense in the context of what has come before. Character motivations and actions are inconsistent and often seem to come out of nowhere.

-The films subject matter of violence and abuse is, coupled with its lack of direction, gives it nastiness that is unearned and feels exploitative. That one of its producers was Brett Ratner (one of several men accused of sexual harassment in Hollywood in the year of this film’s release) makes it all the more uncomfortable.

And that’s about all I have to say. I have another film lined up for next week that looks heavy on action and self-seriousness, but which should be less of a slog than this one to work through. After that I’m choosing something fluffy and light- lesson learned!

-Tom

*In fairness the issue with maintaining a consistent accent may be down to reshoots: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1901024/goofs/?tab=gf&ref_=tt_trv_gf

Midweek Tease

Alright readers? Just a quick post today to tempt you toward this week’s full post, which will be up on Sunday. Any guesses on the Film?:

A tagline that rhymes!

I had never heard of this film until I found it the other day in a branch of PoundWorld. It stars a major Hollywood name playing against type and was released in 2016. I do not expect much from it, but have been promised an accent which wanders across Europe- according to the films’ IMDB page. Leave a comment if you have a guess!

Two other points of interest:

-I would like to direct your attention to another film blog which you should read: https://thefilmworms.wordpress.com/ – Aaron is a friend of mine and reviews films that are… y’know… good. And current! He’s a fun guy and certainly better versed in the world of cinema than I. Go check it out!

-My brother has alerted me to the existence of the this total horrorshow: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7620554/ – Loqueesha: A film released THIS YEAR in which a white man dresses as a Black Woman to find radio show success. Further proof that the 21st century is an absolute garbage-fire. I will not be reviewing it on this blog as I want to enjoy my experience, and everything about this films sounds unpleasant, rather than fun or enjoyable to poke fun at . At least now, reader, you are warned.

HARD RAIN: ‘I’ve been eating shit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner… Tonight I’m changing the menu’

Well its here gang! My first proper post. We’re going to take a look at Hard Rain today. The film sits at 28% on Rotten Tomatoes and was given 1 Star by Roger Ebert. More charitably Andrew Collins gave it 3 stars for Empire magazine. In truth, this film is not quite the steaming dung heap that I crave for this blog, being technically proficient and engaging in parts- indeed for a little while I was concerned that the first movie of my bad movie blog I had chosen something half decent. Fortunately I was soon disabused of that notion. I chose this film from that Pound Shop goldmine mostly on the basis of the decidedly ‘meh’ DVD boxart, and –more importantly- the one quote they chose for said box art- ‘“Non-stop Action Thriller”-Loaded’. And luckily my instincts paid off. In my view any movie that chooses to advertise itself with a quote from a Lad’s Mag like the now-defunct Loaded is unlikely to have troubled the Oscars.* Safe to say that, while this film is not total drek, it’s certainly not very good.

‘Wish I’d brought a brolly’

Hard Rain is a 1997 action film directed by Mikael Salomon and written by Graham Yost. It stars Christian Slater, Morgan Freeman, Minnie Driver and a number of other recognisable Hollywood actors. Indeed it’s a cast full of names you’ll recognise and was obviously shot with a decent budget. There is some spectacle to this film, with impressive scenes of flooding and destruction and moments of genuine tension. What lets it down is it’s terrible dialogue, characterisation and the fact that its’ tone staggers from serious to goofy like a birthday clown with anger management issues…

The film largely follows Christian Slater’s character Tom, a rookie employee of an armoured financial transport company. He and his partner Charlie (Ed Asner (and his magnificent eyebrows)), whom we later find out is his uncle, are moving money out of the banks of the improbably-named-but-actually-real Huntingburg, Indiana in preparation for major flooding.

Ed Asner’s Eyebrows

The flood comes on quicker than they are prepared for and they are left stranded in their broken down truck. At this point, they are ambushed by what I can only describe as the world’s worst criminal gang. This gang of crooks make Pokemon’s Team Rocket, or two cockney henchman from 101 Dalmatians look like hardened and effective criminals. The only one of the four who exudes any real presence is the leader Jim- and this is largely because he’s Morgan Freeman, rather than being well-written or showing genuine menace. Indeed it is difficult to imagine why Freeman’s character would have brought along an ex-school teacher and two irritating youths on his million dollar retirement heist- although at least one of the youths’ presence is sort-of explained to be due to Freeman’s character knowing his father. And at least the youth’s death brings us what is surely the all-time great dying-in-your-arms final words of comfort: “I’d never shit ya kid. I’d never shit ya.”

From the ambush onward Slater’s character attempts to keep the $3 Million the truck was carrying safe, and keep himself alive in the process. Along the way he meets and forms a burgeoning romance with plucky Church-Restorer (!?) Karen (Minnie Driver), finds out his Uncle Charlie was working with Jim and his gang of morons, gets double crossed by the crooked Town Sherriff (Randy Quaid in what might be the most competent performance in the film),* and does a whole lot of shooting. Oh and also Betty White is there with a shotgun.

I could give you some context for this but, believe me, it’s not worth it.

The film ends in a climactic, boats-based shootout where all the baddies die and the good guys survive. Freeman’s character gets to live, though doesn’t get any money, and Christian Slater gets to be the honest, hard-working armoured truck employee his uncle believed he could be; in a plot point that was largely abandoned in favour of explosions and twists that made little sense. All in all though, what really affects this films is: it’s boring. Despite it genuinely succeeding in creating an environment where it looks like a small town is underwater, the whole thing stretches belief largely because none of the characters or their motivations are explored. Every time you think you’re about to get some interesting depth, the film abandons the attempt like a it never wanted to try in the first place. As such, you don’t really care what happens to any of these people, or hell, even the town itself.

Some Stuff I liked in this film:

-Morgan Freeman bursting out of the water to surprise attack some crooked cops whilst duel wielding pistols. Basically the most gangster shit I’ve ever seen.

-Christian Slater slow-mo uppercutting a crook whilst breaching the surface of the water like a goddamned Killer Whale with arms.  

-Minnie Driver raising one eyebrow in indication of interest in Slater’s character. It made me feel funny.

Some stuff I didn’t like: (Content Warning: Sexual Assault)

-For some reason the film felt the need to have Minnie Driver’s character come close to being sexually assaulted by one of the crooked cops. It added absolutely nothing character-wise, made no sense in context and, despite being fairly euphemistic rather than explicit, felt gratuitous.

-Betty White was wasted, after a promisingly shit-talking start, as the butt of a joke about hen-pecked husbands and their overbearing wives that the writers presumably dug out of a time capsule from the 1950s.

-The forced ‘banter’ between the good guys and the laughable attempts at villainous one-liners given to the baddies- see the line that began this post for a particularly baffling example.

Okay gang that’s about it! Thanks for reading, I’ll be posting again next week. For Hard Rain I will say this: It was bad. But not good bad. Just bad. And wasted a frankly pretty decent cast.

Though I will never forget Christian Slater’s aqua-uppercut.

-Tom

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*I’m sorry Loaded I’m only joking. I’m sure the five remaining people who haven’t discovered Pornhub miss you terribly.

**I looked up Randy Quaid as a brief bit of research for this post and HOLY SHIT is there some stuff going on with him: https://www.newsweek.com/randy-quaids-close-video-washed-psycho-bette-middler-creeps-out-twitter, https://www.telegraph.co.uk/films/2016/06/24/the-sad-strange-saga-of-independence-day-hero-randy-quaid/

Ed Asner picture from: http://www.aveleyman.com/ActorCredit.aspx?ActorID=639