Alright readers here we are. Another Sunday, another flick. That flick? Beastly, a riff on the beauty and the beast fable starring Vanessa Hudgens and Alex Pettyfer. Congratulations if you guessed that: I’ll try not to judge you too harshly for knowing of this film’s existence.

The stage was set for this film by a series of trailers for other films deemed of interest to similar audiences that this was intended for; that is to say, tweens and early teens in the market for a quasi-supernatural love story. The first of these was for a film called Fred: The Movie. Perhaps you remember Fred? An youtube star who I know very little about, but who’s schtick appeared to be yelling. Lots and lots of yelling. I’m not entirely sure what it was about as my brain left my body as a means of self defence about five seconds into the trailer. What I can tell you is it made me feel old. So very old.

This was an inauspicious start to proceedings. However in Wednesday’s post I promised you fine people that I would judge this film on its own terms. And I intended to do just that! So I watched on, beginning the film itself, ready to see what was what. SPOILERS AHEAD!

The film began on a speech by a character named Kyle. Played by Alex Pettyfer, he is aggressively handsome and campaigning to become the head of his school’s ‘Green Council’. He talks in his speech about how he doesn’t care about the environment and simply wants the post because its looks good on his record. He says people will (and should) vote for him because he is good-looking, rich and popular. It is at this very early juncture that it becomes abundantly clear: this is a film that approaches its themes with the subtlety of a sledgehammer made out of grenades. And this is my chief complaint about the film: it is as predictable and ham-fisted as they come, spelling out each story-beat or emotional moment via dialogue and never once veering from the exact course you expect it to take. If last weeks flick Red Surf was bafflingly odd in its choices, Beastly is bafflingly overt in its choices. Getting back to the plot though, the central character Kyle is met with cheers for his speech by all but one; a girl called Kendra, played by Mary-Kate Olsen. Kendra is a witch… No explanation, no context, nothing. She’s just a fucking witch. Fine.

In a move no-one saw coming, Kendra curses Kyle, leaving him covered in scars, warts and tattoos/ growths in the shape of trees. Kyle’s dad, a News Anchor (or ‘presenter’ as we Brits call them), is where he gets his moral compass (or lack thereof) from. Upon seeing his ugliness, Kyle’s dad moves Kyle out of his house and into an apartment that is specifically not their place ‘in the city’, despite being quite obviously in the middle of a city. Here he is looked after by a Jamaican housekeeper Zola (LisaGay Hamilton) and tutor Will (Neil Patrick Harris, who really ought to know better). His father never visits and Kyle slips into depression. Until that is he happens upon with Vanessa Hudgen’s character Lindy, whom he had harboured an affection for a school, despite him being a popular dickhead and her being… not? I guess?

Lindy’s father is a drug addict who pisses off some dealers who promise to kill Lindy. Witnessing this, Kyle convinces Lindy’s dad to let him come and stay in his apartment for her safety. She is then brought to his apartment by her dad and left there. She is not allowed to leave. Everyone is fine with this. Because the apartment is like… the Beast’s mansion see? And now Belle/ Lindy is trapped inside!

Despite his face and his overwhelming flaws, the two begin to fall for each other, he becomes a better person blah blah blah and the witch lifts the spell.

Now, as I think I’ve made clear, the plot is ludicrous. And the film lacks any kind of nuance or subtext, choosing instead to clobber the viewer over the head with its themes. Themes that, even with its younger target audience, the viewer will have already come across in superior films/ tales/ books a million times. Looks aren’t everything! Love is blind! Don’t be an unrepentant dickhead!

But the thing is, this is more or less fine. Its target audience won’t care that the story is nonsense be bothered by a lack of thematic complexity. If they relate to the characters and are swept up in the emotional beats then it won’t matter. Everyone loves a love story, and the two leads play their parts pretty well all told. In truth, I can’t speak from the perspective of a tweenage cinema-goer. I don’t know how they would all react. I would guess there were/ are some who watch Beastly and thoroughly enjoy it and find meaning in it. There are things however that I think hold it back from wide appeal even amongst its demographic, which I’ll talk about now.

Firstly, the film rushes through its plot. Perhaps it feels the need to announce so many of the emotions and motivations of the characters via dialogue because it doesn’t take the time to SHOW them to the viewer. Leaps of logic are made, and details of how each domino follows the last are thin on the ground. This stops us from investing in the characters and their relationship as much as we might. Secondly the dialogue is pretty bad in places. Not only do characters spell out their feelings in the manner of a robot trying to pass as human, but the slang employed by the teenage lead characters careens from legitimate youth-speak to stuff that your mum thinks teens say. The two dialogue issues remind the viewer that these are actors reading a script and again detract from us investing in the characters. Overall the film just never feels like it has any depth. There are a couple of moments when you root for the central love story, but not many. A romance film lives or dies on it’s central human relationship(s)- and just like Kyle at the beginning of the film, it’s all superficial, never stopping to catch its breath long enough to discover anything of any real significance. Finally, Lindy is not quite one-dimensional…. more like no-dimensional. She doesn’t feel like a person so much as a series of interests or quirks. She favours cheap coffee! She likes modern poetry! She’s kind of a nerd, but also kind of alternative! She’s creeping toward Manic Pixie Dream Girl territory, though not quite- she never dyes her hair after all. Still the idea that she (or anyone) might be even slightly attracted to or interested in Kyle during the beginning of the film is also hard to accept. I’d sooner swallow a brick than get a coffee with this raging jackoff. He’s the worst. I’m talking, like, Apprentice contestant level shithead.

So yeah, all in all the film fails to land its story and characters. It confuses playing acoustic guitar music during emotional scenes for storytelling, and never really tugs the heartstrings. Lindy’s Dad overdoses, comes close to death and it’s hard to even care. Its not entirely without merit, but the same things been done infinitely better elsewhere.

1 star! *

-Tom

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